A blond decides to try horseback riding, even though she has had no lessons or prior experiance. She mounts the horse unassisted and it immediatly springs into motion. It gallops along at a steady and rhythmic pace, but the blond begins to slip from the saddle. In terror, she grabs for the horse's mane, but cannot seem to get a firm grip. She tries to throw her arms around the horse's neck, but she slides down the side of the horse anyway. The horse gallops alongs seemingly ignorant of its slipping rider. Finally, giving up her frail grip, the blonde attempts to leap away from the horse and throw herself to safety. Unfortunatly, her foot becomes entangled in the stirup, and she is now at the mercy of the horse's pounding hooves as her head is struck against the ground over and over. She starts to lose consciousness, but to her great fortune, the hero Bobby the WalMart greeter, sees her and unplugs the horse.
A guy meets a girl out at a nightclub and she invites him back to her place for the night. Her parents are out of town and this is the perfect opportunity. They get back to her house and they go into her bedroom. When the guy walks in the door, he notices all these fluffy toys. There's hundreds of of them on top of the wardrobe, fluffy toys on the bookshelf and window sill, there's more on the floor, and of course fluffy toys all over the bed. After after they've had sex, he turns to her and asks "So, how was I?" She says "Well... you can take anyting from the bottom shelf."
There was a farmer who grew watermellons. He was doing pretty well, but he was disturbed by some local kids sho would sneak into his watermellon patch at night and eat his watermellons. After some careful thought, he came up with a cleaver idea that he thought would scare the kids away for sure. He made up a sign and posted it the field. The next day, the kids show up and they saw the sign which read: "Warning! One of the watemellons in this field has been injected with cyanide." The kids ran off, made up their own sign and posted it next to the farmer's sign. When the farmer returned, he surveyed the field. He noticed that no watermellons are missing, but the sign next to his read: "Now there are two!!!"
A guy walks into a bar with his pet monkey. He orders a drink and while he's drinking the monkey jumps all around the place. The monkey grabs some olives off the bar and eats them, then grabs some sliced limes and eats them, then jumps onto the pool table, grabs the cue ball, sticks it in his mouth and swallows it whole.
The bartender screams at the guy "Did you see what your monkey just did?"
The guy says "No, what?"
"He just ate the cue ball off my pool table - whole!"
"Yeah, that doesn't surprise me," replied the guy, "He eats everything in sight, the little bastard. I'll pay for the cue ball and stuff". He finishes his drink, pays his bill and leaves.
Two weeks later he's in the bar again, and has his monkey with him.
He orders a drink and the monkey starts running round the bar again.
While the man is finishing his drink, the monkey finds a maraschino cherry on the bar. He grabs it, sticks it up his ass, pulls it out, and eats it.
The bartender is disgusted. "Did you see what your monkey did now?", he asks.
"No, what?" replies the guy.
"Well, he stuck a maraschino cherry up his ass, pulled it out, and ate it!" says the bartender.
"Yeah, that doesn't surprise me", replied the guy. "He still eats everything in sight, but ever since he swallowed that cue ball, he measures everything first."
I play the accordian, I stoped at a bar one night and got worried because my accordian was out in the back seat of my car. So I went out to check on it. Sure enough the window was busted out, and two more accordians were in the back seat.
A bear goes into a bar and says "Give me a Beer, Give me a Beer!" The bartender says "I'm sorry, we don't serve bears beer in this bar." So the bear says "Give me a beer, GIVE ME A BEER, and if you don't give me a BEER I'm going to eat that BITCH sitting down at the end of the bar" and he pounds his paw on the counter. The bartender replies again "I'm sorry, we don't server bears beer in this bar." So the bear goes and eats the bitch sitting down at the end of the bar, he comes back and says again "NOW GIVE ME A BEER, GIVE ME A BEER!" The bartender replies "I'm sorry. we don't serve drug addicts beer in this bar." "What do you mean, I'm not a drug addict, I'm a bear" says the bear. To which the bartender replies "That was a barbitchuate."